Once again I am reminded that anxiety isn’t what you think it is. It can show up physically despite what is going on mentally. Today I’ve actually been pretty tuned in and connected to my purpose and I’ve outlined a new program that I’m really excited about. I played with Sophia and smiled…genuinely. I spoke with my boys and interacted with members of my choir. I read funny posts on Facebook and watched a bit of telly.
I did life.
The heaviness is there.
The feeling that I’m not really in my body…like I don’t really have control at all.
I’m also reminded again that as much as people try, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. Take my hubby for example…he seems almost agitated when he points out that this happens at the same time every year…just before the schools break up and the routine falls apart. And he’s right…in fact there’s a very real chance that this is habit…deep rooted habit.
I have the tools to cope now. I have a podcast rammed with awesome advice. I have programs and techniques and people I can reach out to…but I don’t want to. It all feels too overwhelming in this moment. And so what i’m left with is the reminder that sometimes, no matter how much amazing advice you’re surrounded by, you just can’t. Or you just don’t want to.
Something IS different though…
I no longer feel the NEED to move past this feeling quickly. I know and trust that it’s here for a purpose and I’m willing to stop and listen. I’m willing to honour my body and give myself exactly what I need. I am journaling a little and I am regularly checking in with myself to see what I need. Right now I feel like I need food (I’m scoffing chilli as I type this) and I think I want to just lie still and listen to some gorgeous music. I know that will soothe my soul.
I also know that this will pass and that I’m fully supported and actually, I’m ok. I’m grateful for the reminder that anxiety isn’t always what we think it is.
I also have the very strong urge to get away and have a total break…just for a few days. A change of scenery…peace…tranquility…me and my journal and maybe a few friends for company.
But right now I am affirming that I’m ok. This human experience can feel rocky at times but it constantly moves…and I’m grateful for the knowledge that although it’s dark right now, the light isn’t far away and it will return.
The anxiety is here but the fear is gone…and that is perhaps the most empowering feeling of all!